Creating, connection.

Whatever I could imagine, I got it… yet, satisfaction was always temporary. It was so easy to get what I want. You just do it. After running around in circles, with relationships, jobs, holidays, cars, I knew I had to search some place else.

It wasn’t that the circumstances were not good enough. In fact they were the best! It was, I can tell so many years later, that I was looking for myself in the outer world. Identifying myself with outer circumstances. Loosing connection with what I was searching for, more and more… Because I lost connection with my inner self. With who I really am.

It’s nice to get more and more importantly  touch with who I really am. Not a personality. The real deal. No more running around, hide and seek, just relax and be… Love it.

Nightmare about the past…

Nightmare about my past… This night I had a dream where my birth father was chasing me. Wherever I went, he showed up. He had a knife and wanted to kill me. I couldn’t escape from him and he was constantly screaming how he wanted me dead.

This nightmare got me this whole day where I have this underlying feeling of fear… I remember how my birth father kidnapped me at the age of 6 after my mother escaped with my little sister and me from his aggressive, angry personality. I never forgotten this happened only I told this story as if it was somebody else’s. Never felt anything with it, as well as all the other stories I’ve been through.

I know this comes up now to be seen. To be felt. To release this enormous energy of fear which I am carrying all my life. I find it difficult how to let it in but I trust I will again find my way through this.

Freeing from fear part I…

For many, many years I didn’t know where my emotions went. Before that change in 2003, I didn’t had any problems with expressing them. I made a lot of noise.

Through music I had found a safe companion to experience my emotions. After that change it all changed. While I wasn’t fighting the fear anymore, I created a new way of dealing with my emotions. I became quite confused about how I lost connection with people who where familiar to me now that I found another way of handling my problems. I started to hide my feelings. My fear of loosing everybody. I became fysically weaker and weaker. And even when I sometimes tried to express an emotional like I was used to, I got judged instead of understood. That’s where it started to spent more and more time on my own.

Through the years, with every step I tried to get back in the world, I ended up in situations that where hurtful. I kept on trying, every time I found a lesson out of that situation and tried again and again.

That it didn’t work no matter what I tried and with no friends or other people around to talk to, I found again a new way for my fear, paralysing…

I went everywhere for help, being sure that there was something wrong with me. Through the years, I now know the hidden emotions, created a lot of discomfort in my fysical body. I’ve been extremely tired and ill, although I never went to the hospital for conformation. Something inside felt I didn’t need that. I could handle it. It was tough. All by myself. No friends or social control, couldn’t talk about this with my family, no man in my life, nor kids. Just me, myself and I.

I got used to it and fear of being alone, helpless got removed from my system. I became stronger. But that was mostly mentally. The disconnection with my body and emotions stayed. I lived in my head and that’s just awful and exhausting.

The beginning of this year I found a massage therapist who didn’t want to fix me of project on me. That was the first time I felt safe. Step by step I became more aware of my body while memories of my past start to show up to be healed.

All these years I was disconnected I was holding on to a vision of the day I was “normal” again and ready to get back to my old life that I had loved so much. Looking forward to reunite with 3 important people, hoping they would be proud of me. I kept this vision for already 13 years. And now it finally seemed to get real soon!

Months passed and in June of this year, I received a phone call with the message that an important person I wanted to meet, who used to played a father role in my life, passed…

This changed my whole vision completely.  But since my own near dead experience, I knew this wasn’t the end. I think because I am not grounded enough, I experienced in the past, and now again, a way of communicating with “the other side”.

This time I figured out it was just time to let go of the past. Something I knew for so long and I thought I did in a way, just wanted to see if there was something left with some of my old friends.

Then a week of 6 ago, I had this dream about a reunion with my best friend. Also something I was looking very much forward to. For years. Now that I had this dream, I had to courage to sent a message to invite him for dinner. He responded confused and didn’t know what to do. I said only do this when it comes from a place of joy. Never heard back of him.

That got me kinda forced to completely let go of my past. That vision that kept me going for so long.

My therapist gave me so much space to talk, to feel safe. But I felt that in a way I was reaching a point of “I can’t take this anymore”. My hidden emotions where trying to find their  way out while I was dealing with them on a mental level. So I didn’t understand at all why these feelings kept coming back…

Then I read something about integration of past reality. All about emotions and how the first 6, 7 years of your life is the period that sets the tone for the rest of your life.

I have been talking about my past for as long as I can remember, I thought I was done with it. It didn’t help at all. Made me more weak instead.

But this was different. For the first time I understood why I had these emotions. Not just that. I understood the red lines in my life. All these stories repeating, same pain, different version… wow. What an eye opener.

To be continued…

Anger…

Anger… 

It started yesterday, feelings of anger towards my father. His way of pushing his convictions on me. Forcing me to learn from him. This could very much be the anger in me since I was a kid. Imprinted by him.

This morning at the gym, I recognised a messenger. A person who pushes that button. A couple of weeks ago, this same person got me very upset and I believed the story I created around it.

It’s as if people want to convince me of their truth, not interested at all in how I experience that situation. No, they want / need me to confirm and share their truth. While I have a complete different view on that situation.  It’s talking against each other instead of with.

Since that is an energy still running in my system, I have to work on letting this anger  be. Not reacting towards anyone. Getting to the root of this emotion.

Only then I won’t be triggered anymore when people trying to project their emotions on me. I used to fight against it. Being very, very annoyed with that person. No I am able to try to response but when there’s no room for my feelings, I start to react but quickly remind myself not to do so. I start doing the same, trying to convince the othet person about my truth. It’s just a messenger of something much deeper. I reached a point being aware I don’t need to be right or heard or understood. Not solid yet though, I’m on it…

At this moment I try to let the anger in but as soon as it gets too strong I find  a way of pushing it aside. Find a mental way of “understanding the situation”. It goes so quick that I don’t even realise when or how it happened. Hmm…

I. Will. Figure. This. Out.

From HSP to self centered…

From HSP (high sensitive person) to self centered…

While I am waking up in taking full responsibility for myself, my emotions, I am cleaning the inner body, instead of cleaning in the outer world. From HSP to self centered.
That used to be my talent, cleaning other people’s issues, lifes. Being so burned-out forced me back then to not be able anymore to do so. That was my “blueprint”, how and wherefore people came into my life.

For nearly 5 years I am cleaning weekly 2 houses, for money. That was the only thing left I knew I was good at, even while I was down and out, crawling on the floor because of illness, I always found a way to accomplish my duties.

Last week after I got home from the “Monday shift”, it was very clear that I don’t want this anymore and resigned one of the 2 cleaning jobs.

I find it amazing how energy works. Ever since I made that decision, cleaning my own house started to become as easy and enjoyable as it was doing it for others. And that is how it should be. And that is part of the growing up, taking responsibility for my own house.

Cleaning my house wasn’t unpleasant, I only didn’t do it that often as I did for others. Lately I started to more and more dislike the jobs and more and more enjoyable cleaning my own…

This is such a beautiful reflection  for what’s happening, transforming on the inside.

While I am cleaning today I got these wonderful insights about being hungry. Searching for food, energy in the outer world to fulfil, to still the hunger. The energetic food. Perhaps also emotional.

While I was so disconnected from my emotions and fysical body, I became so extremely sensitive for other people’s energies, I could not be around others anymore. Especially when there was a lot of negativity going on. It took me days, sometimes weeks to become ‘clean’, back in my own enery. It was so hard to experience all these feelings, energies from other people. I was not only experiencing them, I was possessing them too. Ans I never doubt that it wasn’t my responsability to ‘fix’ my loved ones. I just did. Always. Period.

I was blaming others all the time for how uncomfortable I felt. I just couldn’t wait for them to wake up and start to clean themselves. While I was hiding, waiting for the world to change. Complaining and acting like a child. Hoping someone would safe me.

And today it became clear. My responsibility in this. It’s not that they do, did that to me… I was so out of balance and searching for “food”, strength in the outer world, I was just a vampire, sucking other people’s energies… Searching for the saviour, someone who’s taking that father and/or mother role to heal me, bringing me the missing parts.

I have been everywhere for help, tools on learning how to not get “infected” by other people. Amazing how much the world offers lol!!! And nothing worked for me.

I can not express how happy I am to finally find that key! Knowing that it will take some time to rearrange the old patterns, I am looking so much forward to become able again to walk the streets again. Enjoying what this world has to offer. Out of the inner prison.

Being that child, the father and the mother in one… Me, myself and I…

Hello world!

Building…

Building on this inner connections. Co-creating the mother- and father roles in myself.

Recognising how I automatically copied these figures  (my birth parents as well as parent figures along the way) and now taking complete responsibility for myself.

Looking for the old structures which leads to discomfort like blaming, judging, comparing, hurting, punishing, pushing myself… And replacing them with compassion for myself. Learning how to listen, taking care of, comfort, motivate, inspire, heal, having patience with and accepting myself by really be there for myself. No rush, no hurry.

Automatically the role with the “outer parents” change… No more depending, needing… I fall. I stand up. And repeat.

Growth. Freedom.

Kitchen…

The painbody, as Eckhart Tolle calls it… Emotions that wants to be seen.

I find myself more often than I should in the kitchen. Preparing icecreams. Red fruits, yogurt, bananas and water. Eckhart Tolle calls it the painbody, the wounds of the innerchild, unsolved pain, fear anger and grief. During a woman’s period, it’s usual the painbody is stronger and more active. It’s a good time for reflection but also to be aware what’s happening. Before you know you loose yourself completely in this inner restless feelings that’s shaking you up.

So my painbody is very active, it’s my period and these home made icecreams is my guilty pleasure… and I enjoy it!

the-presence-icecream

I try not to be too hard on myself. This too will pass.

 

Day of struggles…

How to not interrupted what happens in the outer world…?

Struggels, just one of them days… It then hurts me to see history is repeating itself around me. I remember more and more from my childhood, while learning to experience it as a separate part myself. I mean it’s important to not mix up old pain with the Present. It is here to be seen, felt and sort of reprogrammed. With new tools as compassion, love and acceptance. With this way of handling old programmes, I believe it’s possible to completely remove it from my system so it won’t be past on to a next generation.

Meanwhile, I see on my mother’s side of the family patterns being repeated. As the oldest child of a mother who was only 19 when she gave birth to me, while beaten up on daily basis, I became the fuel for her existence. She leaned on me ever since. This insight showed me how I never really had the space to be child let alone to become my own personality.

Now a next generation, little kids from my youngest sister, taking over that place for my mom. My sister just got divorced. When I look at these children’s eyes, it hurts me. I can not explain what I am going through because my parents and siblings are in a different place of their journey. I can only keep on working on myself, try to figure this out and hopefully can be an example in the future for them how to free yourself from this web of emotions…

Fear…

How fear, anger and grief got me confused…

A couple of hours after my post yesterday, my birth father called. Since we’re back in contact started 13 years ago, we’ve seen each other I guess 10 times and speak on the phone every couple of months. He mostly talks. Projects. It’s never about me. I listen and when I am balanced I respond, if not I react or project which is often the case. Fear and anger mostly taken me over when he tries to convince me about his truth in a forcing way.

So he called. And after he started with complaints I listened and responded. So far so good. Then all of a sudden the tone of conversation completely changed. We were in a huge battle of who’s wrong and who’s right about a situation in the beginning of our reunion 13 years ago. I still can’t believe how we got there though it changed the whole connection between us. For some reason we got more connected. I even cried while on the phone which I only remember I did before the age of 6… So it somehow got us closer.

Today I woke up all confused. Restless on the inside. A mix of fear, anger and grief. My emotional body, the inner child is touched. I have to stay aware not to believe the stories that come up with these feelings. I don’t want him closer. I don’t trust him. 

Only a month ago, memories from my youth came up. Things I kinda knew but never felt. Having an very angry father who beats up my mother. I was so scared of him. He could be so angry at me when I made mistakes while I was under the age of 6 and had to learn so many things. Trauma’s. Becoming visible to transform. I kinda know how to deal with this, for myself. Yet I realise I have to find a way how to have my version and my fathers version, which is him being a victim of the past, not confusing me. I know this is an inside job I have to take care of. Accepting him and his story, without me wanting him to hear and/or  understand my version. I believe this is a way of releasing and healing. For both of us.

I know I have to give these feelings space, just sit with them, embrace them. The mother, father parts in me should show compassion to the wounded child.  My broken heart.

But I struggle. I am scared. It’s so strong. Will I be able to handle this?

I know I am. I have to find a way to accept the fear and not pushing it aside. I will.

Flow…

How the line of rassism in our family comes to the surface to be released. Grateful realisations.

While I am cleaning my house this morning, I am so grateful to be able to feel again… I feel myself connected with everything I touch. I put the radio and sing along. Yet another connection that died and is coming back to life agin.

It is with tears in my eyes when my face greets the mirror, recognising myself again. What a joyful moment. I made, I’m back, is how I greet myself.

While cleaning I sink in a deep flow of realising. I picture my birth father. We haven’t been in each other’s lifes between my age of 6 and 30th. He’s a man carrying a lot of anger. It’s about his colour and how rassism had been a part of his journey. He’s 85 now.

I see our connection, the emotional, the vibrational. I am a “product” of where ‘black’ and ‘white’ met. I have been struggling with not being part of both of those worlds.

That actually used to be a red line through my life… didn’t fit completely with the girls, neither with the guys although I felt best between them and they accepted me as of  the guys. Same at work, where I didn’t completely belong with the management team or the “workers”.

Along the road of waking up I started to understand my fascination with bridges. On all my holiday pictures where mostly bridges. That must be a reflection in the outer world of what’s going on inside.

So back to that flow where I could picture his projections at me and for the first time I realise this isn’t personal. I am a mirror of his inner child. What I am doing wrong in his eyes, how I am never good enough in whatever I can think of. It’s how he feels about himself. I see a line of slavery going through generations of my family and how I got involved with that energy through my life. My behaviour.

Wow, what a clear understanding. It’s becoming more and more visible for me what I am doing. The closer I come to myself, that middle, the more it becomes clear.