For many, many years I didn’t know where my emotions went. Before that change in 2003, I didn’t had any problems with expressing them. I made a lot of noise.
Through music I had found a safe companion to experience my emotions. After that change it all changed. While I wasn’t fighting the fear anymore, I created a new way of dealing with my emotions. I became quite confused about how I lost connection with people who where familiar to me now that I found another way of handling my problems. I started to hide my feelings. My fear of loosing everybody. I became fysically weaker and weaker. And even when I sometimes tried to express an emotional like I was used to, I got judged instead of understood. That’s where it started to spent more and more time on my own.
Through the years, with every step I tried to get back in the world, I ended up in situations that where hurtful. I kept on trying, every time I found a lesson out of that situation and tried again and again.
That it didn’t work no matter what I tried and with no friends or other people around to talk to, I found again a new way for my fear, paralysing…
I went everywhere for help, being sure that there was something wrong with me. Through the years, I now know the hidden emotions, created a lot of discomfort in my fysical body. I’ve been extremely tired and ill, although I never went to the hospital for conformation. Something inside felt I didn’t need that. I could handle it. It was tough. All by myself. No friends or social control, couldn’t talk about this with my family, no man in my life, nor kids. Just me, myself and I.
I got used to it and fear of being alone, helpless got removed from my system. I became stronger. But that was mostly mentally. The disconnection with my body and emotions stayed. I lived in my head and that’s just awful and exhausting.
The beginning of this year I found a massage therapist who didn’t want to fix me of project on me. That was the first time I felt safe. Step by step I became more aware of my body while memories of my past start to show up to be healed.
All these years I was disconnected I was holding on to a vision of the day I was “normal” again and ready to get back to my old life that I had loved so much. Looking forward to reunite with 3 important people, hoping they would be proud of me. I kept this vision for already 13 years. And now it finally seemed to get real soon!
Months passed and in June of this year, I received a phone call with the message that an important person I wanted to meet, who used to played a father role in my life, passed…
This changed my whole vision completely. But since my own near dead experience, I knew this wasn’t the end. I think because I am not grounded enough, I experienced in the past, and now again, a way of communicating with “the other side”.
This time I figured out it was just time to let go of the past. Something I knew for so long and I thought I did in a way, just wanted to see if there was something left with some of my old friends.
Then a week of 6 ago, I had this dream about a reunion with my best friend. Also something I was looking very much forward to. For years. Now that I had this dream, I had to courage to sent a message to invite him for dinner. He responded confused and didn’t know what to do. I said only do this when it comes from a place of joy. Never heard back of him.
That got me kinda forced to completely let go of my past. That vision that kept me going for so long.
My therapist gave me so much space to talk, to feel safe. But I felt that in a way I was reaching a point of “I can’t take this anymore”. My hidden emotions where trying to find their way out while I was dealing with them on a mental level. So I didn’t understand at all why these feelings kept coming back…
Then I read something about integration of past reality. All about emotions and how the first 6, 7 years of your life is the period that sets the tone for the rest of your life.
I have been talking about my past for as long as I can remember, I thought I was done with it. It didn’t help at all. Made me more weak instead.
But this was different. For the first time I understood why I had these emotions. Not just that. I understood the red lines in my life. All these stories repeating, same pain, different version… wow. What an eye opener.
To be continued…